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Do you remember what I said about my friends being above the general rat race? It is true. Most especially of the people that I have held close to me for years and years. I know that they are better than the rest, and so I hang on to them as proof that when fate smites the stupid, we'll all be left together to rule the world.
One of them has fallen extremely ill. Extremely. She puts on a brave face and tries to maintain, but I am now honestly scared for her life. She has chronic conditions in the first place, so anything on top of those is instantly scary as hell. I love her, I honestly do. I love her truly and deeply, we have been friends for so long that I would do anything for her that I could, and she the same. It is distressing to a misanthrope to have these emotional connections, yet I can't help it. I feel this with only a select few, it's true. But that doesn't help now, not when I know she is lying there so helpless and I am so far away.
It's shit like this that makes one shut down. That the stress, anxiety, worry, nausea are all because you care about someone. So maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't care so much. When I was a youngster I used to be terribly empathic, and was labeled high-strung and unmanageable as a result. I would pick up all the ambient feelings around me, simply absorb them like a sponge, and let them seep into my brain. I had to learn how to turn that off. I still mostly have it turned off. But while I'll keep it wide open for my loved one who needs me to be there for her at this horrible time, it's stuff like this that prevents me from wanting to open to any new people.
I hate people. I really, truly do.
One of them has fallen extremely ill. Extremely. She puts on a brave face and tries to maintain, but I am now honestly scared for her life. She has chronic conditions in the first place, so anything on top of those is instantly scary as hell. I love her, I honestly do. I love her truly and deeply, we have been friends for so long that I would do anything for her that I could, and she the same. It is distressing to a misanthrope to have these emotional connections, yet I can't help it. I feel this with only a select few, it's true. But that doesn't help now, not when I know she is lying there so helpless and I am so far away.
It's shit like this that makes one shut down. That the stress, anxiety, worry, nausea are all because you care about someone. So maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't care so much. When I was a youngster I used to be terribly empathic, and was labeled high-strung and unmanageable as a result. I would pick up all the ambient feelings around me, simply absorb them like a sponge, and let them seep into my brain. I had to learn how to turn that off. I still mostly have it turned off. But while I'll keep it wide open for my loved one who needs me to be there for her at this horrible time, it's stuff like this that prevents me from wanting to open to any new people.
I hate people. I really, truly do.
